The Grinch’s Guide to Family Illness

I so wish I was jumping for joy like this fella in the photo. In fact, I’d settle for walking around the house without coughing and having my nose run everywhere. After twelve days of a stinking, mangy flu, I’m not feeling my usual sunny self and I am ever so slowly losing my mind!

Why should you care? Well, after yet another day of throwing myself from the couch to my bed, whining and moaning in despair, I’ve had lots of time to think and have come up with an effective how-to list for surviving family illness.

Number ONE with a bang - DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN. They may look cute, and be all cuddly and stuff, but it’s all an evil facade. Their real reason for being here is to contaminate us! They’re death traps I tell you!

All kind of infections and bugs lurk within those smiling faces and that downy soft skin. This is the most important lesson I can impart. Do not have children if you want to stay healthy.

If you’ve already screwed up and had children, well that’s it, you’ve got an an uphill battle now. May as well look at some emergency measures just to try and hold you together. Please see the following:

• Never under any circumstances care for sick children yourself. When they’re sick they sweat, billow out snot and drool, and all that infectious gunk gets on you. Not healthy. Some do-gooders will go on about it being your responsibility - ignore them. Relatives are vital here. Drop the kids off with their grandparents, uncle, aunt, basically anyone who will take them and hasn’t served time. The Emergency room at the local hospital is also an option, but you’ll need someone waiting in the car with the engine running so you can make a quick exit.

If you ignored the above advice, there’s probably little I can do to help you, but because I’m a kind and generous soul, I’ll try.

• Do not spend all night when you’re supposed to be resting, getting up and down to a sick child. So, they’ve got a fever, you’re suffering too. Let’s get some perspective here! Slip them an extra dose of panadol. It’ll get rid of the temperature and knock them out. Problem solved.

• Do not try and sit up late with some crazed idea that you might be able to write a blog post, even though you can barely stand. The only thing that will happen is you’ll sit there, stare vacantly at the screen, then fall asleep on the keyboard and wake up with a crink in your neck to add to the headache and the runny nose.

• Drink plenty of fluids and eat lightly. Apparently beer and wine don’t count because of the histamines, but any doctor that says whiskey, vodka and gin won’t clear the head and warm the chest is a quack and deserves their license to be revoked. Chocolate biscuits do count as a light meal as long as you don’t finish the packet.

• When your doctor gives you antibiotics, they actually expect you to take them. Putting them in the bathroom cabinet will not suffice. Apparently they don’t work from a distance. A related point is…

• Have someone else dole out your child’s antibiotics. (Didn’t I tell you to get rid of that kid?) The simple act of giving your child their prescriptions will make you think you took yours, but you didn’t! Now the rugrat is getting better and you’re still sick and the little mite wants to know why mummy won’t take him to the park. Mummy’s dying, don’t you get it, child!

• Do not spend the days you’re supposed to be resting doing the washing, the floors, the kitchen and all the other parts of the house that are getting dirtier and messier by the minute. Get a cleaner. Enlist your partner. Enslave the kids.

• Make sure you call everyone you know to whine about how sick you are. It will bore them to tears, but you’ll feel better and everyone will get the point that you really are the most important person in the world.

• Forget about exercise. And definitely do not go for a run on the first day you start feeling better. You may find yourself overheating and puking your guts up in the park with some horrified granny glaring at you and rushing away in her walker. Not that this happened to me of course.

• My last point is vital. You are not a parent when you’re sick. It’s everyone for themselves. So the kids are killing each other and want to ride their bikes on the main road. Let them. Who has the energy to fight? You can’t worry about every minor detail, can you? Everything your children say is right this week. Ice-cream and chocolate topping is dinner. Green jelly is basically a vegetable and yes, your son can watch Thomas the Tank Engine all day.

Now, don’t thank me all at once for these valuable tools to survive illness and family life. I know they’re revolutionary, but hey I’m a genius. You leave the hard work to me. Just sit back and enjoy.

I’m off to work on chromosomal gene theory now.

Kelly

Health Warning - Anyone without a sense of humor should disregard this post entirely. Actually, forget you ever saw this blog. If you don’t understand my humor, even the deranged stuff, then we’re probably not right for each other. Find someone else. You will love again.

Photo by mikes&mugs

Tagged as: Health & Fitness