When I was a girl, my dad would play the guitar for my brother and I and sing our favorite folk songs before we went to sleep. He rarely yelled when we were in trouble and he was big on the “I’m disappointed in you” stare. For me, there was nothing worse than daddy being disappointed in me.
I can’t attest to how he was as a husband, but I remember being grateful that my dad was taking me to the beach and to music festivals while other kids had fathers who sat on the couch watching sport and drinking beer all weekend.
This week, Leo Babauta from Zen Habits told his readers they could ask him 100 Questions on any topic. This was what I asked him.
“What do you think are the qualities of a great husband and father, and are you happy with the job you’ve done so far?”
This is an extract from Leo’s answer:
“I think just a desire to spend time with your wife and children, and to love them and talk with them and have fun with them, is all that really matters. Also, accept them for who they are”
I’d agree with this, and I’d also add the following.
A Good husband and father…
puts his family first
shares parenting
guides his children to be good citizens
is honest, faithful and reliable
is able to admit when he is wrong
knows romance is not a slap on the ass and “how about it?”
is encouraging and supportive
leaves work at the door when he comes home
does his share of the household chores
knows his wife needs time out and hobbies too
listens and can communicate
shows his love and appreciation
is considerate, kind and forgiving
I am grateful that I have found someone to fill these shoes, and I try myself to reflect the SAME QUALITIES BACK TO HIM. Love is a complicated thing. Sometimes it’s easy and light, without a care in the world. Other times it’s a backbreaking slog through trenches of mud. Human beings are not infallible. Even the best of us can get lost and let our loved ones down. That doesn’t matter as long as MOST OF THE TIME we are empathetic and loving, trying to meet each other’s needs.
Marriage is about having each other’s back. About looking ahead and side stepping those trenches together. Or pulling each other out of the mud when it’s needed. Your list of a good husband and father might not look like mine, but I hope it resembles the man you’re living with. Because that’s as good as life gets.
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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Perhaps one of the hardest thing and the most rewarding thing I have ever done or will ever do is being a father and a husband. Being a husband and a father is always a work in progress. You are always improving and changing. In essence to be a father and a husband, you have to be selfless.
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One of the many things I love about my husband is that he’s such a hard worker. He works extra hours which allows me to stay home with the girls.
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Chris
I think anything that challenges us to step out of the “Me, Me, Me” world of childhood ends up being the most rewarding aspects of our life in adulthood. I think both my husband and I would agree that we are proud of how much we have let go of the self in order to be a family unit. It’s not easy, but love, stability and kids more than make up for it.
Kelly
Kailani
Ditto for me. GC and I knew we wanted to have only one full-time working parent once we had kids, but I really thought I’d be back at work part-time within 6-12 months. When I couldn’t bear to leave my son to return to work, he stepped up to the plate and was fabulous.
He’s still supporting me now as I wind back my freelance copy writing and focus on my creative writing and new self-employment options. He’s always my biggest champion and I hope he knows how much I appreciate it.
Kelly
I love your list and agree with all the points. I am lucky i found a man who stands by me no matter what and will walk over hot coals to help me. However it does seem to be getting harder for people to step out of the me me thought process. Is it something in society that is making people like that now?
Isnt that i’m so disappointed look a killer. I used to wish my parents would yell at me instead of being disappointed, it killed me to hear those words or get that look.
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dear hubby shares with parenting and household chores, he lets me be lazy and doesn’t complain much about anything. he so easy to be around. and i love him very much.
as for being a father, along with the list you provided, i find this very profound and true, ”The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love their mother.” I think a child looks up to his father in a positive light if the father honors the child’s mother. he doesn’t have to marry her, just love, honor and respect her and keep friendship between them.
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Charlotte
You’re right. I’d back that one as well. Showing your children what a loving, respectful relationship looks like is one of the best gifts you can ever give them. My parents divorced when I was a kid, but prior to that there was a lot of love and affection in our house and so I really expected that joy when I grew up. I knew what to look for. Sounds like your children will too.
Great post, Kelly. You need to warn somebody to sit down what they’re drinking while reading this post, as I nearly lost my Sobe when I read “Knows that there’s more to romance than a slap on the ass and a ‘How About it”.
I’m not a father, but I’ve learned (through a bit of prompting) that being her biggest fan, supporter, and friend helps a lot. So does taking out the trash before I’m reminded. Now, if only I can remember what she said ten years ago…
I think Charlotte’s also right on the money about loving his children’s mother. My only caveat is for him to love her as her own person and not solely as the mother of his children. Too many men forget that wives and mothers are their own people and not non-paid support staff.
Keep it up.
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Another thing I’d add to that list is that a good father does not tell his child how the world “is,” but instead provides as many opportunities as possible for the child to discover for himself/herself how their world is.
So often as parents it’s easy to get into the trap of saying “This is how certain people are,” or “When you run then you trip,” but most of the time we can let the children explore, and even get a little banged up to learn how their world is. (as long as it’s not dangerous to anybody’s emotional/physical well being).
This is often easier said than done, especially when it comes to our instincts to protect our children from harm. I remember at first my son (then about 6-9 months old) would put his fingers down his mouth until he threw up. At first we wanted to stop him from doing that, but instead we just let him do it whenever/wherever he wanted until he learned by his own natural consequence that he didn’t want to continue provoking that experience.
If we truly trust that our children are aware beings who just don’t “know” the facts of life, then as guides we can help them learn their own facts of life without having to tell them (most of the time). And when that happens, as I’m seeing with my son, it truly is a beautiful and incredible experience to watch him explore and grow… even at now just 15 months old he really is just an incredibly aware, curious, and unique individual who continues to learn through his own trial and error what works for him.
Okay, I thought I was done with my comment but I have more.
I just remembered a tangent that we try to create a “YES” environment for our son. We try to child-safe as much as we can from ‘real’ danger, so that his environment is full of opportunities to explore and learn in ways that we never (or rarely) have to say ‘no’ to him. This way he learns his own likes and dislikes, his boundaries, and even allow him to get hurt in ’safe’ ways.
We also vary our responses to his mini-tantrums. For example, if he can’t reach something then sometimes we will hand it to him, sometimes we won’t at all until his attention goes away, sometimes we will nudge the object to be within his reach so he can get it himself, or sometimes we’ll lift him to get it himself. In this way, we try to encourage him to both seek out answers, as well as help, and sometimes learn that he just doesn’t always get what he wants.
I’ve just realized I could probably write another 30 pages on this topic… I’m really passionate about the ways we raise our son, but I’ll go ahead and end the comment here now.
I agree with this. I think part of being a good dad is just trying to do your best. I may not do everything right but I try to spend time with my kids, taking them to do thing, talking to them and making sure they know I love them. I don’t think I get it all right but I think it is important to make time for your family and actually do things with your kids.
becom a father is very diffcult job then becom a president of the country.
You have to handle yr child with lots of care and lots of good thing think to be teach everyday.
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As I’m reading through your bullet comments I feel really good. I have a anger issue though. I know I’m a grown man and I am responsible for my actions. When I get mad I through things and I know that is not the wright thing to do as a father or a husband. This is my 3rd deployment with my wife and know that I am gone she is concerned what will happen when I get back. She is concerned about the past. I love my wife and kids very deeply and I would never do anything to hurt even when I do throw things it is not towards them. I was wondering if you send me an e-mail to send me in the wright direction.
Thanks concerned Husband and Father
Great stuff Kelly! I love seeing all the comments as it shows there are men out there that genuinely want to be the best husbands/fathers they can. Good luck with the novel! I will be following your posts…
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I agree with all of this, Kelly… but I would add that a great husband is the protector and champion of his family. A woman and her children should feel safe when hubby/daddy is around.
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becom a father is very diffcult job then become a president of the country
so it needs alot of straggle and managing yr family(children and wife).
also good father always is vry vry high tool.
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I enjoyed reading the comments about the husbands/fathers. I smiled as I read some and for some my mouth went into the Whaaaaaaat? mode. My father has pasted away, but when he was alive we went shopping, riding in his old truck that he loved, to the country to have family outings, to the park, and sometimes we would sit in the back yard and just talk and laugh. I love and miss my DAD. So for all you wonderful and not so wonderful Dads, you only get one chance for each moment to be in your child(rens) happy memories. It’s worth the chance. Be or continue to be a wonderful DAD/Husband. Thanks for sharing.