I really don’t feel like myself since I got home. At first I thought it was jet lag because I couldn’t sleep and had an attention span that could be counted in seconds, rather than minutes or hours.

Then the days moved on and now I’ve been home over a week, but still I lie awake at night with my mind racing and my legs twitching from nervous energy and it seems obvious that there might be a bit more to it.

Is it just post holiday blues or something more?

I don’t feel depressed and I was actually glad to come home. Routine is a vital part of life with young children and it was definitely tiring having to entertain Bunny all day every day. In Europe he had no pre-school, no mates, hardly any toys and little predictability. Usually Bunny is a child who thrives on predictability (so unlike me), but overseas he coped amazingly well and adapted to everything we threw at him. Even so, it’s nice to be home where there’s more support and a bedroom I can send him to when he’s throwing a wobbly.

But back to me - it’s ALL ABOUT ME, people!

If it was a welcome comfort to get home, why do I feel so disinterested in doing anything?

I started back up on my novel overseas, but am now dragging my feet. I have a few draft posts written that I can’t seem to finish. A client who wants me to start on a project, but I’m avoiding him. And I find myself mentally blank for long periods of the day with a physical restlessness which is keeping me up ’till all hours.

People are supposed to come home from holidays recharged, not drained!

I have to admit, this has happened before. Last year when I returned from Thailand, I wrote about my intuition that change was in the air. It made a lot of sense then because I’d been feeling very burned out before I went away, and when I came home I re-prioritized my life to stop copy writing for a few months and concentrate on my family.

This time the problem isn’t burn out, and maybe it’s not post holiday blues either. Maybe those over-active instincts of mine sense new challenges on the horizon for me and my poor little brain (it’s not what it once was - thanks Bunny) is struggling to keep up.

I did start to jot down some notes for a new creative project while I was away, the novel has spluttered back to life, and I’ve been mulling over some minor changes I want to make here at SHE-POWER. So, maybe I’m being too hard on myself.

Maybe just getting on with everyday life for a week or two is just what I need. Time for my ideas to germinate and bloom into something beautiful. Maybe it’s that old dilemma again about it being okay to do nothing. Sit, wait and create.

What do you think?

The time has come. In about 15 hours I will be getting on a plane to Barcelona, Spain. Excuse me while I let out a high pitched squeal of excitement. But I can’t believe after weeks of planning and waiting that this holiday has finally arrived.

I don’t think I talked about it at the time, but this trip really did come out of nowhere. My husband had to have some business meetings in London and Paris and when I found out I was like “You can’t go all the way to Europe for a week!” Of course what I really meant was “You can’t go to Europe without me.”

In a matter of days the decision was made and we were booked on flights. Overnight we went from talking about the minor house renovations we’re doing, to a European holiday that hadn’t even been on the agenda, but was now only 7 weeks away. It was crazy exciting, especially for a die-hard traveller like me whose pack has been hung up for the past few years while I’ve raised a son and bought a house. But for a few days there, I was back where I love to be, floating around on a warm cloud of anticipation and joy. That was until I saw the cost of the airfares on our credit card and I started going through the Spain Lonely Planet and the reality sank in that we did not have the savings to pay for an unexpected jaunt to Europe.

And so the pre-holiday tension hit. The heart said “Go, this will be worth it. You need this” while the head said, “Are you f*cking insane? You’re going to end up in piles of debt!” The struggle between the two of course led my husband and I to struggle with each other. I think the first two weeks of our trip planning were spent arguing over money as I panicked and Musicman took the opposite tack of saying “We’ll work it out.” I would look at him hopefully, sure he must have a divine answer and ask “How?” And he would look back at me blankly and then say “I don’t know.” I would then resume panicking.

The reason I’m telling you this is because there is a lot of advice out there about managing our money responsibly, living frugally, and saving for our retirement (I still can’t get my head around thinking that far ahead), and it’s good, sensible advice. But when all is said and done, there are not many of us who are happy to be sensible all the time.

Sometimes when you REALLY REALLY want something you have to take a leap of faith, commit and then work your buns off to try and make it happen

About two weeks into our planning, after another exhausting fight, we gave up. We realised that we were just struggling against something we had already made a decision on. The airfares were paid for. We WANTED TO GO and it was time to commit to doing whatever it took to make sure we not only went on the holiday, but we could enjoy ourselves and be at peace with whatever the financial consequences were once we got home. We talked about it and we knew it was likely we’d come home to more debt and some post-trip scrimping and saving to get our equilibrium back, but we acknowledged that to us it was worth it.

Let me make it clear that this is not for everyone. Musicman has a very secure and well-paid job and though I work part-time as a freelance copy writer, if I HAD TO I could teach and work a lot more hours and earn a lot more money. It’s just not how I want to spend my time while my son is still so young.

Funny enough, because we were then so focused on going to Spain and HAVING THE MONEY (rather than thinking “We don’t have the money), that much talked about friend, the Law of Attraction kicked in and things started to fall into place that supported our plans.

• We experienced a small rise in income and will receive another larger one in the new financial year
• Some well-paid work basically fell in my lap, increasing my projected earnings
• We re-jigged our debts and expenses to save some money
• Our second car died and we decided to try and live without it to save costs. This has been so successful we’re not going to replace it once we return home
• And lastly we embraced cost cutting so much over the past 7 weeks we have saved a lot more money than we probably expected

All this means I await tomorrow with the excitement of a child at Christmas. Not only are Musicman and I fulfilling a long held dream of going to Spain, but we’re taking out son, showing him new people, a new language and another culture. And I can sleep well knowing this is a dream we MADE HAPPEN with a strong vision, faith, determination, and sacrifice.

If you always wait until you know HOW you’re going to achieve a goal before you take action, then maybe its time to shake things up. What dreams are you putting off? Where could you take a leap and do something bold in your life?

Photo1 by xip
Photo2 by no prawns

When I started SHE-POWER Women with the beautiful Jemi, I always had in mind that I would do a partner interview series of SHE-POWER Men.

Like the women’s interview series, SHE-POWER Men is about celebrating ordinary men who live their lives in extraordinary, yet simple ways. Men who like and respect women. Men who strive to live with integrity and honesty.

Clay Collins was always my first choice to kick off SHE-POWER Men. His alternative productivity blog, The Growing Life is somewhat of a blogging phenomenon - over 1000 subscribers by the end of its second month. Then there’s his guest articles at blogs such as Dumb Little Man, Zenhabits, Write to Done and Copyblogger, making Clay one of blogging’s new rising stars.

But most of all I chose Clay Collins because he’s a smart and interesting man with a lot to say and a gifted writer with a truly fresh approach. He’s also been a great blogging buddy of mine and has an easy charm and sincerity that I really wanted to capture for SHE-POWER Men. And if you’ve ever read the Dedication to his Grandparents on The Growing Life then you’ll know why I’m voting him Blogging Bachelor of the Year.

Here is Clay Collins talking life, women, blogs, politics and more.

My idea of the perfect weekend is…

Waking up next to someone awesome, going for a run in the arboretum (or a long bike ride), having a picnic outside with friends, listening to some NPR, and doing some writing.

My mother always told me…

My mother is amazing. My mom always tells me to “be good.” The dialogue goes something like this:

———
Me: talk to you later, mom.

Mom: OK, Clay. Be good.

Me: [Sigh]. I’ll be good mom.

Mom: And you know what that means, Clay.

Me: Yeah, mom, I know what that means.

Mom: It means take care of yourself.

Me: I know. Thanks mom. I love you.

———
In this day and age, so many parents coerce their children into getting good grades, obtaining a respectable career, etc. Parents too frequently convey the notion that “being good” means towing the societal line. So I’m eternally grateful that my mom taught me that being good simply means doing what’s right for me and taking care of myself (physically, intellectually, emotionally, etc.). Taking care of myself, of course, also means taking care of others, because doing our part to lift each other up is a basic human need.

My mom also tried to brainwash me into thinking that I could do whatever I wanted to do. She always told me that “you can do whatever you want if you really want it.” For better or worse, the brainwashing attempts were successful.

What’s your favorite blog to read? Which is most overrated?

Melissa Pierce’s blog is damn cool. And my friend Laurie also has a pretty awesome blog as well. This blog is also pretty fantastic. I also really like 1000 Cuts by Monk Mojo.

The productivity/self-development blogosphere has its share of approval-seeking and overly sensitive writers, and it’s nice to see someone having fun with the whole genre. (Yes, it’s true that Monk Mojo’s made me look like a badass but his blog would probably be a favorite regardless). Rolf Potts vagabonding blog is also damn cool. That man’s my hero.

The problem I have with most self-help/productivity blogs is that they flood us with tips (we’ve hit the TIP tipping point and things have gone WAY too far). If I need to acquire a new skill, or am looking for a list of 100 motivation hacks, then I’ll go to Google.

What I want in my feed reader is (1) good & artful writing, and (2) perspective. I’m looking for creative non-fiction.

My most defining moment was…

When I discovered life and my adult self in Ghana, and when I returned from Ghana to Minneapolis and built a new reality. Like Ethan Zukerman, my heart’s in Accra. I want to go back.

Where do you hope to be in 10 years time?

Writing in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Like so many others, I love writing. I could do it all day. I don’t have issues with writers block, or passion. I just don’t have the time to write 24/7 and a man’s got to make a living. So my dream is to have enough money to feed my family and children, enough time to write, and to be somewhat well-received as an author. It’s nice to know that your work is being read.

What makes you angry and/or sad?

Oh god. HP technical support in Bangalore really pisses me off. President Bush. Military solutions to non-military problems. Hunger really makes me sad because it’s a problem that doesn’t have to exist. Xenophobia, water boarding, and human rights violations also get me worked up.

Do you think men are more likely to be unfaithful than women?

No I don’t. I’d recommend taking a look at two great books: Sperm Wars and The Red Queen.

Do you vote?

Absolutely. If you don’t then you’re partially responsible for this mess we’re in.

If YES, is there anything (eg. a scandal) that would change your mind about your preferred candidate?

Oh sure. If I found out about several covered-up connections between Barack Obama and big business then I’d have to reassess my preference.

Do you regard yourself as a “good catch”? Why or why not?

As always, it depends. I like trying new things so dating me usually involves trying out different camp sites, making new recipes, swimming in new bodies of water, going on impromptu road trips, and good substantive conversations combined with a healthy dose of nonsense.

That said, I’m meeting more and more women these days who are looking to start a family and want a guy to be (in part) infrastructure for their lives (or an enabler for a laundry list of goals). I’m not that guy right now. Someday I’ll want to be a father and when that day comes I’ll probably embrace a more conventional approach to relationships, but until that day comes I’m unlikely to be infrastructure for someone else’s life. I’ll welcome certain things when I’m ready but I’m not there yet.

I really hope that this doesn’t sound misogynistic.

At what point will you feel that you and The Growing Life are a success?

I think it’s already a success and I’m happy with who I am as a person. TGL’s a success because my readers and I are on the same page. When I write something that really resonates with me it also tends to resonate with them. I really didn’t know what to think when I started TGL, but I ended up with 200 subscribers the first month and 800 the second. Everything else feels like gravy. Life is good.

And a Few Questions From The Readers…

What is the biggest change you plan to make in your life this year?

Question courtesy of Cath Lawson

I really don’t know. I honestly haven’t thought about it very much. I’m really not very goal oriented. I’d like to buy a condo and Minneapolis and start laying down very deep roots there, so maybe that’s it.

Settling down, family, marriage: looking forward to, or scared of?

Question courtesy of Vered@MomGrind

Children are great and I’ll happily commit to someone when I’m ready to have children. Probably not earlier. Getting married prematurely, however, scares me sh*tless.

Do you think men remember romantic/relationship events like women do? Eg. First kiss

Question courtesy of Charlotte@CharmedLife

I actually think guys are far more sentimental than women. Guys savor deep emotional connections because they happen much less frequently. So while guys seem to be FAR TOO LOGICAL most of the time, those intense emotional moments are driven much deeper into our psyches because they’re peak experiences.

Was there ever a time when you considered giving up on your blog?

Question courtesy of Chris@WatdaWat

Not really. The whole experience has been great. Sometimes I think I should be spending more time on my book proposal and less time on blog entries, but I don’t think The Growing Life will be going away anytime soon. It’s too much fun, and growing far too fast, for me to put down.

Thanks

Clay

Photo 1 of Clay and friend
Photo 2 provided by StewieD
Photo 3 provided by hjl

“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”

- Nelson Mandela, South African Statesman and Nobel Prize Winner


Just wanted to let you all know that SHE-POWER has been having some major server issues. Actually, that’s a bit of an understatement; if you checked the site 8-20 hours ago, you would have found that SHE-POWER had become the Queensgate Baptist Church. Yes, I was a bit shocked to see I had gone religious, and with Korean constituents as well. I never cease to amaze even myself…

But seriously, I’m still having problems accessing my server company and my email isn’t working so I’m going to post this Quote of the Week as a bit of a test run to see what’s what.

Hopefully I am going to go to bed and wake up to find everything is back to normal in the morning. If not, I guess it will be another call to the USA to very politely enquire “What the fuck is going on?”

Photo by stibbons

Today, I had a most unproductive day. Last night I wrote out a list of what I wanted to achieve today and the only item I managed to cross off was number 4 on the list: spend quality one-on-one time with Bunny (my son).

We cuddled and watched cartoons. We did puzzles and read books. We ate ridiculous amounts of vegemite on crackers, and seemed to spend hours discussing the complex relationships between Thomas the Tank Engine and his friends and why Diesel doesn’t play nicely with the ‘Steamies’. I’m sorry if you have no idea what I’m talking about here. Believe me, I wish I didn’t know about Thomas either.

The tasks that didn’t happen were not in themselves vital to mankind, but I do feel dissatisfied that I didn’t even attempt to stick with the list. The other items on it were:

• dye my hair - nope it’s still faded brown laced with grey
• help Bunny to paint on a couple of plain t-shirts I bought him - fabric paint is in the cupboard and the t-shirts, well I have no idea where they are
• vacuum - just couldn’t be bothered to piece the heavy contraption together and lug it around the house
• clean the oven - too much like hard work
• polish the next part of SHE-POWER Fiction and write a final draft of a truly enlightening post - um, sorry guys

I’ve spent a lot of today feeling guilty about this lack of productivity. It’s not like I set unachievable goals for the day. Six items to tick off is hardly putting on the pressure. But today I just couldn’t get motivated to DO anything. Maybe it’s the weather.

It’s been rather wet and chilly here in my south coast pocket of NSW, Australia. Winter’s coming in fast, which is pretty crap really because this summer was completely sub-standard. Too much rain, too much wind, too many overcast days and not enough scorching sunshine.

Like many people this has left me feeling resentful toward the change of season. I feel short changed and have found myself standing in my backyard berating the weather. Loudly. It doesn’t seem to mind, and I have yet to be struck down by a sudden bolt of lightening, though Mother Nature could just be toying with me before she punishes me for my disrespectful raving and use of foul language. I may have to keep a look out for sudden tornadoes that pop up and strike my neighborhood, missing everyone’s else’s house except for mine. If it can happen on Wisteria Lane, then no one’s safe, I say.

Or maybe the weather is just an excuse I’m grasping for because I feel lazy for choosing to drop out of responsible adult life today. Even though I am a mother and spending time with my son is part of my ‘job’, on the rare occasion I do nothing else except have fun with him I feel like I am piking out and doing the wrong thing.

On those days when my husband asks “How was your day?” I try to come up with something else that I did, just so I have something ‘grown up’ to tell him. Something that sounds like work. Because to non-stay-at-home parents it doesn’t sound like work to play trains, chasings or play dough.

Although when you do it day in and day out, it is just another part of your job description. It needs to be done just like making the beds and doing the food shopping, but it’s worse because it can feel like your brain is being eaten by an insatiable monster you gave birth to. And some days you get so tired of the giving and the listening and the endless patience required that you’d pay anything to go sit in an office cubicle and tap away at a computer. Anything.

But today was not one of those days. Today I wanted to be a kid and live only in the moment like my son does. I wanted to throw out the list and say to hell with being productive. Of course, Bunny embraced this undivided attention whole heartedly with no clue of the internal struggles mummy was going through as she drove Percy along the track.

My son does not care that I need to keep a household running and feel like a productive member of society. To him, I am mummy. Nothing more. Nothing less. Today, I thought that sounded pretty good.

So, what have I actually said in this post that is meaningful and worthwhile? Hmm, nothing much. Well, that is exactly what I accomplished today. Now, I like the symetry in that, don’t you?

Photo by Fabiola Medeiro

For previous articles in this series, see How I Lost 9kg and Still Ate Chocolate Cake (1) and (2).

Losing weight and getting fit is great, but the real reward and challenge comes in maintaining these achievements over time. So far I have discussed the importance of the following changes for sustainable weight loss:

Accept the body you have. Love and respect it the way it is

Find your weight loss motivation and make a conscious decision to change your life

Move more. Find exercise you can enjoy. Have fun. Throw yourself into life

Enlist a friend or a trainer to kick-start your exercise habit

Think long term and persevere, even when you can’t see the results you would like

In this third and final article in the series, I want to focus on the importance of our relationship with food and body image. It’s true that exercise will improve your health no matter what, but if you’re serious about weight loss you’re going to have to take responsibility for your diet at some point. You’ll also need a plan for dealing with your ongoing feelings about your body and the motivational and emotional challenges you are bound to face. So, without further ado…

Set achievable goals. Be realistic in your expectations

I like to live in dream world as much as anyone, but when you want to achieve a goal which is important to you and has ramifications for your long term health and wellbeing, it makes sense to throw a bit of reality into the mix.

Set goals and expectations for yourself that you honestly believe are achievable. This isn’t a matter of dreams and possibility here. We’re talking about how to get you from Point A to Point B, and the best way to do that is with baby steps. If you like to sleep in and haven’t worked out since high school, then I would suggest it is a stretch for you to commit to a 7am training session five days a week. This might be your long term goal, but it’s too hard an ask for a beginner, and will only set you up for failure.

Confidence and perseverance is crucial to your long term success, so build motivation by empowering yourself with small successes. Using the previous example, start off by setting a goal of two 7am workouts a week. This way you’ll find it easier to maintain and after a few weeks you’ll be feeling pretty damn proud of yourself. This taste of success will not only motivate you to continue, but it will make it easier and more believable for you to move your goals and performance expectations to the next level.

In contrast, the original goal of five daily workouts means anything less than that may leave you feeling demoralized at your ‘poor’ performance. This could even become an excuse to stop altogether. Don’t set yourself up for failure by making the bar of expectations so high that there’s no room for error. Help yourself succeed with realistic goals.

The same goes with your eating habits. You’re going to have to make a decision regarding your weight loss goals, and that decision needs to take into account your natural body shape, how you want to live, and your entrenched eating habits. What are you prepared to give up for a slim, fit, healthy body. Beer? Cakes? Pizza? Don’t set the goal of being super buff and trim if you don’t want to make the sacrifices that are entailed. Pick up any magazine and you can leaf through it admiring celebrity bodies, but you can bet these people worked their buns off to look like that. Hours at the gym, pilates classes, no carbs after 3pm etc… Is that how you want to live your life?

If it is, get moving and I wish you well. Me, I want to feel strong and look good, but I know that I won’t be giving up cake in order to be my thinnest possible self. I find too much discipline stifling, so I’ve settled for a rounded, fit version of myself rather than a lean one. My weight loss goals are about bettering my life, so I don’t see the point in wasting my energy fighting my body, my tastebuds and my personality when I’d be so much happier learning how to live with myself.

Develop a new, balanced eating plan based on fresh ingredients. Allow for your weaknesses and don’t deprive yourself too much

I love food. It is one of life’s great pleasures, so dieting and the restrictions it involves are just impossible for me. Even taking into account that I focus on long term health and fitness, this area of my weight loss journey is by far the hardest. It’s not that I am a particularly unhealthy eater; I’m not. I find it easy to eat a balanced diet and enjoy lean meat and fresh vegetables. I don’t eat McDonalds or anything from those kind of fast food chains, and my biggest fatty indulgence would be the occasional dinner of fish and chips.

But I am a sugar addict. There’s no doubt about it. I crave chocolate every day, and if I give into those cravings, even a little, they get worse. For example, the chocolate that goes with Easter is my idea of heaven and I don’t worry about my weight at this time. The trouble is once Easter is finished, I’m still left with the taste for chocolate and I spend the next few weeks trying to get my cravings under control. If I can make three to four days with no sweets, things will usually improve and my willpower can kick into gear, but those first few days are hellish. I’d happily eat chocolate and cheesecake for every meal if it didn’t make me sick. Actually, I have made myself sick and I wasn’t a kid at the time. Like I said, I’m an addict.

If you can eat three low fat meals a day and not junk out on chocolate, chips, hot-dogs or the like, then you’re going to find it a lot easier to slim down and stay that way. In fact, I don’t know why you’re reading this article. You probably don’t even have a weight problem! However, if you’re like most of us and relish your “naughty” foods, then don’t worry there is still hope for you to be fit and healthy.

Food is both fuel and enjoyment so you need to structure an eating plan which satisfies both needs - energy and psychological satisfaction. If I tell you that you should be a vegetarian but you love meat, how is that going to help you? Are you really going to give up meat for the rest of your life, just so you can lose weight? What you need is an eating plan you can live with. Not just for today, but for next week, next year and in another ten years. That’s why crash diets don’t work. They deceive you into thinking some strict, measured eating plan is going to solve all your problems, when really it’s a bandaid measure that hides all your unhealthy habits. What you need are new eating habits which support your health goals while accommodating your guilty food pleasures.

What works for me is a diet of all things in moderation, and I try to keep meals as unprocessed as possible. That way I enjoy a variety of meals, can control where my calories are coming from (processed food has so many invisible sugars and fats) and I’m fueling my body with natural, life giving food. Less chemicals and more nutrients makes for a happy, energized body. Luckily I live in Australia where I have so much access to fresh ingredients.

I also grow herbs and have a full spice cupboard and I mix up white meat with fish and red meat. I balance carbohydrate heavy meals (rice/pasta) with lean protein and low GI foods like steak and salad. I have accepted my weak areas are sweets and night snacking so instead of denying myself completely, I try to work around it. I rarely touch crisps, pies, or cream sauces, or any other savoury high fat food because I know I need to save my calorie bust outs for sugar fixes. One could say that’s weak, but I prefer to think of it as pragmatic. Again, I’m changing my lifestyle long term and aiming for a mostly healthy diet to complement my exercise routine. I’d rather exercise than go without in the food department.

I could go one for ages with the details of how I’ve structured an eating plan to build new habits, and satisfy health and all my family’s individual tastes (my son has food allergies too - such a pain), but that is probably best saved for another post.

See and feel yourself Fit. Celebrate your Achievements

Often the image of ourselves in our head when we’ve been heavy in our life is that of a “fat” person. We carry this fat person around with us and even when we’re doing well and losing weight we’re paranoid about any change that is seen as taking us in the other direction. We act and think like a person with a weight problem.

An important part of beating this unsupportive relationship you have with your body is to start seeing yourself as a person who takes care of themselves, who exercises, who’s getting fitter all the time. Put images of how you want to look on your fridge and imagine it, feel it. When I first started running I actually used to chant “I’m slim, fit and strong” over and over again. It was under my breath so I didn’t freak out the neighbors, but it it did keep me motivated. Now I am at the point where I actually enjoy the run so I don’t have to do it so much.

It’s also important to celebrate your achievements and all the hard work you put in. By patting yourself on the back, you’re building your self esteem and making it much more comfortable for you to reinvent yourself and your body. I like to take the time at the end of a workout to relax, do a few stretches and simple yoga moves. This unwinds my body and mind, and provides me with the space to really appreciate the gift of youth and good health. In these moments, when my skin is slick with sweat, my heart is beating fast and my muscles are tingling, I feel so alive and strong it is amazingly empowering.

Be kind to yourself. Forgive your failings. Break the criticism habit

My last point is related to weight loss, but more importantly it’s a lesson to learn about life. We are all human beings trying our best so give yourself a break. Don’t expect perfection from yourself or others. It’s impossible. We all have weaknesses and we all disappoint ourselves sometimes. I put on 1-2kgs again over Christmas, and at Easter I think I put on 1kg or so, but I soon lost it when I kicked back into routine. It’s not a big deal. Thin people fluctuate too and you’re one of them now, remember?

Decide today to be a better, kinder friend to yourself. You are the one constant in your life, so if you spend it criticizing and tearing yourself down it’s going to be one long and miserable journey. In my first article I talked about learning to love and accept yourself the way you are. A crucial part of this is changing the way we think, and the language we use when talking about ourselves. Watch the words you use to describe yourself. Would you talk to someone else like that? Do you look in the mirror and think degrading thoughts about your body or your appearance? Or do you never look at yourself at all?

Try to look for something you like about yourself when you’re brushing your teeth or getting dressed or catching sight of yourself in the mirror. If you find yourself focusing on ‘faults’, take a deep breath and try to clear your mind. If you can’t, stop and walk away. Do something to keep you busy. Try again later. Think baby steps and commit to finding a way to love yourself for how God (or nature) made you.

Remember that everything takes time. Changes can’t happen overnight. I used to be a terrible perfectionist and in my own eyes I rarely measured up (to what, I don’t know), but these days I have stopped looking in the mirror and zeroing in on my faults. I feel like I have found a new level of self-acceptance and it leaves me feeling a lot lighter and happier in my day to day life. I do believe exercise plays a big part in improving body-image because you know that you’re taking care of yourself and there’s achievement and improved my self-confidence in that. Along with the added rewards of better muscle tone, better health and more energy.

So, that’s it. How I lost 9 kg in a very big nutshell. It has actually been a revelation for me to get all the changes from the past year out of my head. On one hand, it’s uncomfortable because I don’t feel I am a poster child for weight loss, but on the other hand I can see how far I’ve come. I have struggled with my weight for twenty three years, and finally I feel like I might be winning. I have been thinner in the past, but I have never been as balanced, as fit and as at ease with myself and my body as I am now. And I couldn’t ask for more than that.

Best of luck with your own journey to weight loss and good health. It is worth the change and the discomfort. Most of all, YOU are worth it.

Photo 1 by Jennie R.F
Photo 2 by neloqua

In Part 1 of this article series I wrote about how I have struggled with my weight since I was a teenager. Part of this has stemmed from my dietary habits - I’m a sweet fiend who eats for many reasons other than to fuel the body - and the rest from a general distaste for exercise.

In How I Lost 9kg and Still Ate Chocolate Cake (1) I started out with an holistic approach and outlined what I believe are the two most important changes you can make in deciding to lose weight. They were:

Accept the body you have. Love and respect it the way it is

Find your weight loss motivation and make a conscious decision to change your life

This inner work is the foundation upon which the external changes are based. Beating ourselves down with criticism is no way to build self-esteem. Loving and accepting your body the way it is will not only help you become more positive about who you are, but it will gradually affect your choices so that you are more likely to respect yourself enough to live in a way that makes you feel good (and seriously who feels great when they’re overweight and unfit?).

Being kinder to yourself will also help you get more in touch with your body so it is easier to stay motivated with the life changes you will inevitably have to make. I’m sorry if any of you thought I was going to stay with all the warm and fuzzy emotions here. I’m not. Losing weight and maintaining a trim, healthy body takes work and commitment, and somewhere in there you’re going to have to exercise, which leads me to the following changes:

Move more. Find exercise you can enjoy. Have fun. Throw yourself into life

Hopefully, you have a lot of years on this planet and using them to suffer with physical ailments and self loathing is not the best use of your time and spirit. Don’t waste the years when you are young and able sitting on the sidelines waiting for your turn to shine. There is no turn taking in life. You’re either living today or wasting today. That’s it.

Engage with the world and appreciate the gift of breath and movement in your body. You deserve to have joy and excitement in your world. Seek it out. Fun doesn’t come via the television remote control. Get out there and try new experiences. Being overweight does not make you less worthy of having the very best. Stop using it as an excuse to not live.

The first change you can make physically is to add more movement to your day. Travelling in third world countries was a revelation for me because I got to see just how inactive our lives are in the Western world. We have machines to do so much of our manual labor, and even then, some of us outsource the rest. In Nicaragua, I actually washed all my clothes by hand on a washboard like the locals use, and I can tell you, it’s great for upper body strength and quite a workout. I ached the next day, but the women around me did it every day, and not just for themselves, but for entire families.

Now, I’m not suggesting you throw out the washing machine, but you can certainly find ways to walk more, climb more stairs and get more physical around the house and in the garden. I always run the stairs inside my home and I play chasings and kick a soccer ball around with my 4 year old - activities like this are not only good for your health, but good for your relationship with your kids. Another option is to buy a pedometer and count your average daily steps and calories burned. See what you start with and aim to reach at least 10,000 steps a day, even if it takes a month. Work at a pace that is right for you. Consistency is more important than being super active one week and then sedentary for the next two.

To take care of yourself long term you’re going to have to find an exercise/physical activity that you can stick with. To alleviate boredom I advise mixing your exercise up. I started with walking and interval training, then moved to the gym and introduced upper body weights, aerobics, the treadmill and the rowing machine. I swapped and changed until I found my perfect combination. I discovered boxing and now I am addicted. Currently, I box and run, or walk the hills around my home and do some free weights, rowing and basic yoga. I love dancing too, so after I get back from Spain I’m going to take a Latin dance class. The key is to stay excited and keep it fun.

I used to think that I could never learn to enjoy working out; I’m much happier with a glass of wine in my hand than a barbell. But these past months I have proven to myself that anyone can learn to like exercise. It’s a mindset; be positive about what you’re doing for yourself and remember exercise is movement and the body was made to move.

Your body and mind are designed to feel better when you exert energy. It relaxes the muscles, allows the mind to slow as the body takes over and can actually be quite meditative. And I’m sure everyone knows that exercise releases feel-good endorphins in the brain, which reduce stress and elevate your emotional state. Indeed, exercise is considered an essential tool for anyone who is depressed or suffering from anxiety. So, get out there and experiment with ways to add movement and exercise into your life. Make time for yourself and get involved in life. See what new passions you can discover. I never thought I could become a boxing fan, but there you go, life is always waiting to surprise you if you let it.

Enlist a friend or a trainer to kick-start your exercise habit

Starting an exercise routine can be hard work, but it’s nowhere near as hard as maintaining an exercise habit. When I first started working out last year I was walking for 30 minutes and trying to work up to running. At first things were going well, then my fitness and results hit a plateau and I became unmotivated. I wondered what the point was and felt like giving up. It was then that I decided to get honest; I just wasn’t working hard enough. Exercise of any kind had become so foreign to me that I was patting myself on the back for anything at all. “Oh, you walked 5 minutes to get the paper. Good on you, girl. No need to leave the sofa for at least four more days!” I sound like I’m joking, but I’m sad to say I’m not. The situation really was that bad.

I’m not saying that initial efforts shouldn’t be commended. They should. But at some point you’ve got to push your body and raise your expectations. You can derive health benefits from 30 leisurely minutes of walking a few times a week, but you’ll have to do more than that to lose weight and increase your fitness level. It was time to get real. I needed someone to motivate me and help me stick to a regular routine, so I joined the gym with my mum and started seeing a personal trainer twice a week. This was the best thing I could have done.

Having a trainer absolutely kicked my ass! The first few sessions I thought I was going to pass out, but then I started to see and feel results and soon I actually looked forward to the punishment. I learned what it feels like to work the body, hit the first wall where you feel like quitting, then push some more and suddenly you’re transported to this almost exhilarated state where every movement becomes fluid and you are so in the zone it’s like you could fly. I now love that feeling, and I know unless I’m breathless and dripping with sweat, then I haven’t worked hard enough. An important thing to note here is I am talking from the viewpoint of someone who has no health issues affecting my work-outs. I can push my body, but if you want to start a rigorous exercise regime make sure you get your doctor’s okay first.

I no longer see my trainer because I know what I have to do and I am capable of pushing myself. I still work out with mum sometimes - we both love to box - but overall I have made it through that precarious habit-forming stage. Having someone to motivate me, show me what to do and keep me accountable was a crucial step in establishing my exercise habit. I urge you to be honest with yourself about whether you need some structure and encouragement to get you started. I realize gyms and trainers can be costly and I struggled with that as well, but your health is worth it and personally I found the savings from less trips to doctors and specialists made up for a lot of the expense.

Think long term and persevere, even when you can’t see the results you would like

Your continued health and fitness requires more than a diet or exercise fad. I truly believe diets don’t work. For starters, it makes you obsessed with food and everything that you CAN’T EAT. This is just negative reinforcement, and it’s not sustainable for you to swear off your favourite foods forever.

Think of yourself as a new person with a new life ahead of you. That person wants to look good, feel good and have great health. That person wants to exercise and eat better. This is a long term lifestyle change, not a weight loss sprint. You are not in competition with anyone. If someone else is getting faster and better results than you, it doesn’t matter. Everyone is different and sometimes it takes time to really see the fruits of our labor. Concentrate on how you feel because I guarantee that if you exercise and eat healthier foods more often than not, you will feel better. Stay focused on your real motivation and do the work, and eventually you will end up with the best body that you are genetically capable of.

The third installment of this series can be found here.

Photo1 by WhatDaveSees
Photo2 by mikebaird

I love food. All kinds of cuisine - Spanish, Thai, Italian, Turkish - and especially the international cuisine of DESSERT. Oh, how I love dessert.

As well as the taste sensations that food brings, for me it has added significance. Food is love. It makes me feel happy and secure, like everything is okay. I’ve been using food as a panacea for pain since I was a teenager. So, it’s no wonder that my weight has ping ponged up and down throughout my adult life, though it has been much harder to shift since I became a mother.

The beginning of 2007 saw me 12kg (20lb) over my pre-baby weight, and while I’d love to blame that on my son, he wasn’t the one eating chocolate cake!

Every time I saw myself in the mirror I felt depressed. Not because I looked like a whale, but because my face and natural curves were still evident beneath a slowly expanding layer of spongy, marshmallow flesh. It was like the person I knew was slowly disappearing. Not a nice feeling.

I knew I was unfit because walking up stairs was an effort, I was tired all the time and I was starting to feel like a stiff, creaky old woman, whose joints had ceased up and retired. I was in and out of my Physiotherapist’s office and though he kept telling me I needed to strengthen my core stomach muscles, I kept finding excuses why not.

One year later, I have lost 9kgs and I am healthier, fitter and stronger than I’ve been in over 10 years. I actually have muscles appearing and that is so new for me. Better yet, I have become much more resistant to illness. I used to be the first person to get sick in my family (I have sinus problems which tend to make you susceptible to the flu), now I’m often the one whose still standing when my son brings in some horrid virus from pre-school.

The increased strength in my core has also helped my back and shoulder pain, so another bonus is I’ve saved a year’s worth of Physiotherapist costs. I am still a few kilograms over my ideal, but I don’t care because I feel great and I still eat what I like. To be honest that damn cake habit is what’s keeping me from goal weight, but still I always choose dessert over thinner thighs.

So, what changed?

The most important changes were not external; they were made within. I have not discovered an amazing new diet or exercise regime, and I don’t know the secret to unrelenting willpower. Instead, I have reflected on what has been missing in my life and I’ve come to a new mindset and way of being. I have completely overhauled my attitude toward my health, my body, and myself, and that is why this time I am confident that I have found a long term way to stay fit and healthy.

I do not claim to be a poster child for phenomenal weight loss. I was not obese or in a dire health situation. But I do know what it is to struggle with weight and feel like it’s a battle you never seem to win. I know how it feels to be ashamed of my appearance and my apparent lack of willpower, and I know the envy that flairs up when I am with a friend who loves to exercise and has the body to show for it.

The following are the changes I made to take control of my my weight, my health and my life. This is not an exhaustive how-to list for weight loss, rather it’s my personal account of what worked for me.

This is going to be a Three Part Article Series, so today I am going to elaborate on the first two points only. These reflect the inner work I was talking about and I believe they’re the MOST IMPORTANT for permanent weight loss.

Accept the body you have. Love and respect it the way it is

At the end of 2006, I was miserable and doing a lot of soul searching about what I wanted for my future. What did I see when I visualized a happy and successful life?

One of the components in this picture was a slimmer, healthier body, and a ME who was happy with herself, comfortable in her own skin and not constantly tortured by what I might eat that day and how I might look in those new pair of jeans.

Then it hit me. This was a part of my ideal life that I had 100% control over. I didn’t have to wait to feel fit and sexy. This wasn’t going to come with more money or a book deal. I could choose to feel and behave differently today. The question was how to get from being an unfit, exercise despising, food loving, emotional over-eater to that future vision of myself?

The first step was to accept and become comfortable with the body I had. Feeling bad about myself wasn’t going to change me for the better. I had to accept that this body was it, and lucky for me all the parts were working.

I’m quite tall with hips, butt and boobs, so there’s no point yearning for a skinny, boyish figure that I’m never going to have. At my best, I’ve got Marilyn Monroe curves so that’s something to work towards. Aspiring to look like the lean, athletic Cameron Diaz would just be demoralizing and silly.

Learning to love and accept ourselves the way we are is one of life’s big lessons in itself. Too often we place conditions on our self approval. I’ll be okay once I’ve lost 5kg, or when I’ve got that promotion, or when someone falls in love with me. This is holding yourself to ransom and is a sure way to misery.

What if I told you that the person you are today - at this weight, with this job, partner, house - is the person you will stay forever? Would you kill yourself? Wallow in misery and self pity for the next few decades? Or would you give up fighting yourself and just get on with living? That’s all I’m saying. Give up on wishing you were different and find a way to be kind and loving to the person you are today. If you won’t, who will?

This point deserves an entire post in itself and I will do one at a later date.

Find your weight loss motivation and make a conscious decision to change your life

Willpower might help you lose weight, but it won’t keep it off. No one can live in a state of extreme willpower for years. And who’d want to?

If you want to have a fit and healthy body, you must make a conscious decision to eat less, eat well and pursue a more active lifestyle. Not only for today, but tomorrow and forever. This is going to require some changes, push you outside of your comfort zone, so you’re going to need to dig deep and find a long term motivation.

In the past, vanity has been my inspiration for weight loss, though if I’m perfectly honest I’m not sure how much this has ever worked for me. I think I am one of the only women I know who didn’t even TRY to lose weight before her wedding. And I was actually on the heavier side then. So vanity was out.

In the end I went back to the mental image of the perfect me, and what I envied about her was she was fit, energetic, happy and full of life. That’s what I wanted. To feel ALIVE. In contrast, I started 2007 feeling terrible. I was depressed, had chronic allergies and colds, recurring back pain and all I kept thinking was “I’m in my thirties. I’m supposed to be living, not slowly dying!”

Health and wellbeing, combined with a desire to feel young for as long as possible are what I hold onto now when I need a reason to get out of bed and go for a run. I focus on how good it feels to pound the pavement and feel my body working. It energizes me and builds the confidence that I need to get through the hard days. Find a motivation that works for YOU, not your friend, your sister or some so-called expert. You know yourself better than anyone, so what will it take to value yourself with the gift of good health and fitness?

This article was one I found quite hard to write because it documents a very personal struggle of mine, and while I know I’ve turned a corner and am enjoying a new lease on life, I certainly don’t feel like this battle is done. I am not at my goal weight yet and it’s quite likely that I’ll have to work at staying motivated for the rest of my life. What I am hoping is that by sharing this journey with you, I am reinforcing my own motivation, while inspiring some of you on your own journey to weight loss and good health.

Part 2 of How I Lost 9kg and Still Ate Chocolate Cake will be out on Sunday.

PS: I’m sorry to tempt you with the cake photo if you are currently trying to lose weight, but I couldn’t resist. Health and fitness is a life long pursuit and occasional treats of what you love is a part of having an enjoyable, balanced life. This photo clearly illustrates my particular weakness.

Photo1 by Miss Karen

Photo2 by mikebaird

This weekend my internet connection has been problematic, dropping out at random and without warning. Very annoying. I’ve been trying to get a couple of half-written articles completed, but it just hasn’t been possible, so I’ve found my mind going around in circles, throwing up lots of questions that have been stewing around in there for awhile.

Questions like:

What niche am I in?

What do I offer my readers? What more can I give?

What’s unique about me?

Should I write an e-book, and what would it be about?

What can I do to move my subscriber numbers to the next level?

And the big one that’s been circulating for some time; should I cut SHE-POWER Fiction?

You’re probably thinking right now, “Wow, she really doesn’t know what she’s doing here.” And you’d be right. At least a little bit anyway.

Like my life itself, this blog is a work in progress and I tend to live and write by gut instinct. Everything you’ve ever read on this blog has poured forth from my heart and soul. Even if an article has seemed trivial to you, it’s been authentic and meaningful to me at the time I published it. On that day, those words, whether mundane or profound, were the words I wanted to communicate to you.

That said, this blog is not just about me. YOU are the reason I take time away from my young son and family and friends to blog on a regular basis. You may not have been here in the beginning when SHE-POWER was started, but the blog was nothing then. It was an idea, a catchy url. Now it’s a tool that I use to serve and entertain YOU.

So tell me, what is SHE-POWER to you? Do you have any feedback you’d like to share with me? Because for a chick that usually has a lot to say, I’m going to go out on a limb and admit I’m a bit stumped for answers here. I know the ideas I’m trying to communicate, but I don’t know what you’re actually receiving.

One decision I have made for the moment is to move SHE-POWER Fiction to its own page.

As an aspiring novelist, this category is very important to me. I not only want to share my stories and characters with an audience, but I want to impose a public discipline on myself to keep up my fiction writing.

That said, I’m not sure SHE-POWER is the right place for fiction. Some of you are devoted fans of my current storyline with Clarissa and Scott and email and write me with encouragement. I really appreciate that, thank you. Many others don’t seem to click through and read these posts. So, what to do?

For the moment, the next extract of SHE-POWER Fiction will be the last blog post. After that, I’ll post a quick message to let you know I’ve updated the Fiction Page, but you’ll then have to follow a link to read the story extract. That way, people who are interested get their Clarissa and Scott fix, and people who aren’t can just ignore the notification.

I will also get a chance to see how many people are actively seeking the stories, which will help me decide what to do with SHE-POWER Fiction long term. I have thought about moving all fiction to another writing site, but I’ll make that decision in due course.

Hope you’re having a great weekend, and I look forward to hearing any thoughts you might have about the future of this blog.

Kelly

Photo by aussiegall