Hola! Sorry I´ve been so long between stops, but the internet in Southern Spain is doing my head in. Wireless connection has been elusive so my laptop is gathering dust, and the broadband connections have been slow enough that writing and uploading photographs takes more time than mi familia are willing to give.

It´s been driving me nuts because I´ve been itching to write a post - I have pages of notes with ideas - but thus far I haven´t been able to actualize my desires. Online connection has been the paramour who is teasing me, dangling itself in front of me every other day or so and then proving itself disinterested in consumating our relationship. I´m like the most frustrated blogger in the world right now!

Yesterday I thought I´d found the right ingredients for a successful seduction. I had the internet cafe scoped out. I´d made introductions. I had arranged with my other loves to be amused elsewhere for an hour or so while I slipped out alone. I had my memory stick all prepped with photos and some scrawled notes to ensure I wasn´t caught up too long. Everything was organised. What could go wrong?

Our apartment, that´s what. Yes, a Spanish apartment kept me prisoner and I had to be rescued. After that I was too rattled to sneak away again and so clung close to the side of mi esposo, certain Spain was conspiring to keep me away from you. It sounds like I´m joking, but I´m not.

Let me first describe the apartment where we´re staying in Sevilla. It´s a building with three floors. The top has a roof terrace perfect for drinking cervezas with the fading sun in the evening warmth. The second floor is ours with an adorable, traditional Spanish apartment. One that has those full length windows/doors that open up in the lounge room and bedroom with the picturesque iron bars and flower pots to keep you from falling out. It´s like having a juliet balcony, but there´s no balcony.

Still the apartment is gorgeous and the view of cobbled streets and adobe buildings all around and the church at the end of the street (with bells that ring at times we find hard to comprehend) makes us feel like we are truly living like a Seville local.

The first floor is another apartment, which has been empty this week, so we are all alone in the building. Great for privacy. Terrible for when you need rescuing. The ground floor has a solid iron and double glassed security door, which needs a key to open it. Mui seguridad The only problem is you need a key to leave as well as to enter. Can you see where I am going here?

The realtor of the apartment only gave us one key for the front door. Musicman and Bunny left while I was having a shower. They unlocked the door and then closed it when they left, thereby locking me INTO the apartment block. Musicman had no idea what he had done.

So I toddle down 15 minutes later, notebook and memory stick in hand, psyched to get a post up and I only make it as far as the door to our apartment before I remember about the front security door. You see, we had noticed the annoying quirk of needing a key to get out on our first day, but then we´d forgotten about it. I was just about to close the front door to our apartment, thereby locking myself in the stairwell, when that memory flickered my mind and I stopped dead. “Oh shit!”

Now I look back and I am so grateful I realized before I shut that door. If I hadn´t had my mobile, I could have been stuck in the stairwell for hours. As it was, I could only text Musicman and hope for the best.

For some reason the fact that both our mobiles are roaming means we can only message each other. We can´t call. We can call other phones, just not each other. Do you think Musicman checked his mobile for messages? Of course not.

I texted him five times and he just couldn´t hear the beeps of the phone in his bag. Bunny had his attention, he was navigating roads, whizzing Spanish drivers and a 4 year old. He couldn´t hear me at all.

45 minutes later I was feeling quite claustrophobic. I couldn´t leave the apartment. I checked the windows - long drop, then there´s the bars - and I wrenched at that bloody front door for ages. I cried and punched the wall. I imagined myself stuck there all day and I began to panic.

That was until I had a brainwave. I remembered a girl´s best friend - her mum.

I called mum, apologised profusely for the late hour (damn that time difference) and got her to call Musicman. I knew he´d answer a phone call because it could be work and he´d definitely hear it. I was right. Mum sent out the rescue mission and I was freed within the next half hour.

Unfortunately, I was way too freaked to come out and write the post. I guess that´s the proof I still have not got over that childhood thing about small spaces. Even an apartment is small when you know you can´t get out. Please don´t think I´m too pathetic.

And now the stupid computer is saying it won´t upload any more photos. Of course not, that would be too efficient.

Sorry to leave you with no more visions of Spain. Will try again when I can, otherwise I´ll be home in 10 days or so. Hasta luego amigos.

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Considering it has been almost a week since my last post and in that time SHE-POWER was kidnapped by a Korean religious group, you could be forgiven for thinking I’ve given up on you. Packed my bags and closed up shop.

But never fear my faithful constituents (see my God complex is in full force now - all it needed was an excuse), I am here. I have returned. I may not have anything exciting to say, but what does that matter when you can bask in my all knowing glory. Bring your offerings, your children, your burdens, your ailments and I shall …

Okay, enough! I’ll stop.  This is beyond funny, I’m probably just getting into offensive territory now.

The truth is my server issues dragged on much longer than I expected and my site has only been functioning in a normal fashion since late Monday morning (Sydney time). Since then I have been flat-chat with work and trip preparations, and I still am very busy so this is probably as good a time as any to let you know that I won’t be posting as regularly from now until the end of June.

I’m leaving for Spain in two weeks and I have clients to please, families to organize, bookings to confirm, itineraries to nut out, suitcases to pack and a million other things to do which probably should have been done already, but my hubby and I seem to have lost track of time.

I will endeavor to post at least once a week, even while I am overseas, but please forgive me if it all becomes too hard and not fun and I forget about you so I can enjoy my first family vacation in years. It’s not personal. I don’t have any issues I’d like to air. We’re still pals. I’ll be back.

But I am SO looking forward to Spain. It’s going to be bliss. With lots of time bumming around, walking on white sand beaches, feasting my eyes on gorgeous architecture, eating tapas, drinking sangria and getting laid. Oops, did I just say that?

Well, come on, what else are holidays for?

Moving on from my currently dismal sex life and my great hopes for the future, I am almost finished with the next extract of SHE-POWER Fiction, so I’m aiming to get that to you ASAP. Then I should have my Clay Collins interview up by next week and maybe even a guest post for you too. So, stick around and normal posting will resume in July.

Kelly

Photo by ul Marga

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I haven’t posted much humor lately, so I thought I’d put this up today because for some reason it really tickled my funny bone. It’s an oldie, but a goodie.

I think my husband has been hearing a lot of loud sighs and “Don’t worry about it” recently while I’ve been organizing our son’s birthday presents and celebrations. He can be very perceptive about picking up on my feelings, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he also heard the silent “Fuck You’s” as well. Then again, some of them may not have been that silent.

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

Fine

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes

If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing

This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with Nothing usually end in Fine.

Go Ahead

This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

Loud Sigh

This is not actually a word, but it is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.
(Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

That’s Okay

This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. “That’s okay” means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks

A woman is thanking you, do not question it or faint. Just say you’re welcome.

Whatever

Is a women’s way of saying FUCK YOU!

Don’t worry about it, I got it

Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but she is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?”

For the woman’s response refer to #3.

Photo by wwarby

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I so wish I was jumping for joy like this fella in the photo. In fact, I’d settle for walking around the house without coughing and having my nose run everywhere. After twelve days of a stinking, mangy flu, I’m not feeling my usual sunny self and I am ever so slowly losing my mind!

Why should you care? Well, after yet another day of throwing myself from the couch to my bed, whining and moaning in despair, I’ve had lots of time to think and have come up with an effective how-to list for surviving family illness.

Number ONE with a bang - DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN. They may look cute, and be all cuddly and stuff, but it’s all an evil facade. Their real reason for being here is to contaminate us! They’re death traps I tell you!

All kind of infections and bugs lurk within those smiling faces and that downy soft skin. This is the most important lesson I can impart. Do not have children if you want to stay healthy.

If you’ve already screwed up and had children, well that’s it, you’ve got an an uphill battle now. May as well look at some emergency measures just to try and hold you together. Please see the following:

• Never under any circumstances care for sick children yourself. When they’re sick they sweat, billow out snot and drool, and all that infectious gunk gets on you. Not healthy. Some do-gooders will go on about it being your responsibility - ignore them. Relatives are vital here. Drop the kids off with their grandparents, uncle, aunt, basically anyone who will take them and hasn’t served time. The Emergency room at the local hospital is also an option, but you’ll need someone waiting in the car with the engine running so you can make a quick exit.

If you ignored the above advice, there’s probably little I can do to help you, but because I’m a kind and generous soul, I’ll try.

• Do not spend all night when you’re supposed to be resting, getting up and down to a sick child. So, they’ve got a fever, you’re suffering too. Let’s get some perspective here! Slip them an extra dose of panadol. It’ll get rid of the temperature and knock them out. Problem solved.

• Do not try and sit up late with some crazed idea that you might be able to write a blog post, even though you can barely stand. The only thing that will happen is you’ll sit there, stare vacantly at the screen, then fall asleep on the keyboard and wake up with a crink in your neck to add to the headache and the runny nose.

• Drink plenty of fluids and eat lightly. Apparently beer and wine don’t count because of the histamines, but any doctor that says whiskey, vodka and gin won’t clear the head and warm the chest is a quack and deserves their license to be revoked. Chocolate biscuits do count as a light meal as long as you don’t finish the packet.

• When your doctor gives you antibiotics, they actually expect you to take them. Putting them in the bathroom cabinet will not suffice. Apparently they don’t work from a distance. A related point is…

• Have someone else dole out your child’s antibiotics. (Didn’t I tell you to get rid of that kid?) The simple act of giving your child their prescriptions will make you think you took yours, but you didn’t! Now the rugrat is getting better and you’re still sick and the little mite wants to know why mummy won’t take him to the park. Mummy’s dying, don’t you get it, child!

• Do not spend the days you’re supposed to be resting doing the washing, the floors, the kitchen and all the other parts of the house that are getting dirtier and messier by the minute. Get a cleaner. Enlist your partner. Enslave the kids.

• Make sure you call everyone you know to whine about how sick you are. It will bore them to tears, but you’ll feel better and everyone will get the point that you really are the most important person in the world.

• Forget about exercise. And definitely do not go for a run on the first day you start feeling better. You may find yourself overheating and puking your guts up in the park with some horrified granny glaring at you and rushing away in her walker. Not that this happened to me of course.

• My last point is vital. You are not a parent when you’re sick. It’s everyone for themselves. So the kids are killing each other and want to ride their bikes on the main road. Let them. Who has the energy to fight? You can’t worry about every minor detail, can you? Everything your children say is right this week. Ice-cream and chocolate topping is dinner. Green jelly is basically a vegetable and yes, your son can watch Thomas the Tank Engine all day.

Now, don’t thank me all at once for these valuable tools to survive illness and family life. I know they’re revolutionary, but hey I’m a genius. You leave the hard work to me. Just sit back and enjoy.

I’m off to work on chromosomal gene theory now.

Kelly

Health Warning - Anyone without a sense of humor should disregard this post entirely. Actually, forget you ever saw this blog. If you don’t understand my humor, even the deranged stuff, then we’re probably not right for each other. Find someone else. You will love again.

Photo by mikes&mugs

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Have you ever felt that you bust your ass taking care of your kids, the house, the shopping, the children’s activities, school fund raising, the bills, the budgeting and more, yet somehow your efforts go unnoticed?

Maybe not all the time, but after awhile when everything runs like clockwork, your husband might forget that someone actually creates the comfortable family life he enjoys. He might stop saying thank you for those favorite home cooked dinners. Or be baffled that you didn’t get his coat dry-cleaned in anticipation of the unexpected cold spell that has swept through town. Don’t you watch the weather forecast for the next week and prepare everyone’s wardrobe in advance?

Eventually, most moms, especially those who are at home full-time, start to feel taken for granted. It’s to be expected. Motherhood is a full service profession: 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with no tips. And unless you’ve raised kids and managed a household yourself, it’s unlikely you’re going to really ‘get’ the work (and the stress) involved. So, while we should cut ungrateful or misinformed husbands a break every now and then, when it all gets too much, I suggest we take a leaf out of this lady’s book. It might be the best wake-up call a family needs that MOM IS A LEGEND!

———————————————-

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill,or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out of the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, ‘What happened here today?’

She again smiled and answered, ‘You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?’

‘Yes,’ was his incredulous reply.

She answered, ‘Well, today I didn’t do it.’

Priceless!

Photo by undream

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I found this on YOU-TUBE while killing time trying not to do any work. It completely made me laugh and shows sometimes procrastination can be a good thing. I wish I had been at this wedding; these people sure know how to have fun. If this couple approach the rest of their life with such humor and enthusiasm, I predict they’ll have a long and happy marriage.I’ll be back tomorrow with a review of my latest obsession, Elizabeth Gilbert’s EAT, PRAY, LOVE. Until then

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photo by oc girl
A friend sent this to me yesterday and I loved it so much I had to share it.

As I sit here with dirty dishes in the sink, my son’s toys strewn across the lounge room floor and more rain drenching the washing on the line, I can only dream of a life where I am single, beautiful, and travelling the world, with nothing to do but please myself and have hot sex with hard bodied young men.

Of course, I’d have to get my husband’s permission first …

——————–

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl “Will you marry me?”
The girl said, “No!”

And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank whole bottles of wine, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn’t get fat, travelled more, had many lovers, didn’t save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theatre, never watched sports, never wore fucking lacy lingerie that went up her bum, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, and felt and looked fabulous all the time.

THE END

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photo by TW Collins

I was sent this today and I love it. Life wisdom and alcohol. My favorite combination…

1. Aspire to be Barbie – that bitch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits – buy one in every colour.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt… A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? – Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I’m on it and so far I’ve lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down – just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I’m in my own little world, but it’s ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don’t get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing; and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2008 – turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember every good looking; sweet, single male is someone else’s ex-boyfriend.

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I say “YES, YES, YES”.

One of my girlfriends sent this to me today and it gave me an outright cackle.

——————————————————-

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent time playing with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the gym before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom. she heard a muffled noise inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

“No way”, the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday”.

Photo by NYCArthur

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